Dot Homecoming - 4 - Resolution

Dot - Operation Homecoming - 4 - Resolution	Bob Bogash

Right now, Monday is the Big Day and I'm plenty nervous about it. Fingers (and toes) are crossed. I can use all the fingers I can muster, so please cross yours as well. Hopefully, Dot's casket will be in good condition and we can proceed. But, Hope is not a Plan. If it's a Go, I will be like Apollo 11 - heading for the Moon. I will keep you advised.

Since then, as many of you know, our Mission got aborted, due to condition of her casket. I sent out the sad news:

Well, in one of my previous progress messages, I referred to Eisenhower pre-writing (and recording) a "failure speech" to be used in the event the D-Day landings had failed. Maybe I should have done that too, altho I've tried to mentally prepare myself for disappointment.

We opened Dot's grave early this morning and the casket had suffered severe deterioration. We only had to pull one of the vault concrete cover panels to see the top had fallen to pieces.

So - Operation Homecoming was aborted on the spot, the panel replaced and the grave refilled and closed. The grave-diggers had saved the sod, so after replacement, you'd hardly know the grave had been disturbed. It all happened quickly and the grave-diggers were gone before the funeral home van had even arrived, to find me sitting in my usual spot on the bench beside Dot's grave. As if nothing had happened.

I've already started cancelling all the pre-arrangements - shrink wrap, truck, boat, airline, motels etc. And re-stowing the mountain of "stuff" I've been collecting in preparation for "the trip." Suddenly, I've got a whole month added back into my available schedule (which is normally pretty mundane - doctors and Safeway.)

As you all know, I've thousands of man-hours invested in this project - which really means nothing bad - it was fun planning for this Homecoming - talking to Dot about it every day - but they have resulted in an enormous emotional investment. I could see our arrival on the boat and I could see her getting re-buried back home with her family. "Man Proposes, God Disposes" - my father's favorite saying - and proven accurate one more time. (Another one was "God laughs when people make Plans.") The Hansville Cemetery is a very nice place, and so is Hansville, and there could be far worse places to spend Eternity.

Talking to friends, I've said I only worry about things I can control, and not about things I can't control. The major decision gate going forward was something I could not control - the condition of Dot's casket. Well, now we know; and I was frankly surprised - shocked is a better word. Devastated. Talking with some of the parties, I frankly expected it to be in very good condition - even excellent. Especially the top, which is domed, solid hardwood, and contained within a concrete vault. It only took seconds to realize how badly it had disintegrated and fallen in. Ashes to Ashes, and Dust to Dust. Yes, we know that, but....It doesn't take long. Apparently. Now that fork in the road has been removed. I can move forward with preparations for my eventually joining her - which has been my goal all along anyway.

I want to thank all those who have been following this adventure, offering prayers and advice, and keeping their fingers (and toes) crossed for today. And especially, my volunteer co-pilots - Jeff, Mike, Jim, Margaret, and Gray - who demonstrated extraordinary friendship in being willing to carve a big block of time out of their lives and face the innumerable challenges a drive of this magnitude would inevitably entail - and has already entailed to this point. Flying in and out. Driving 12 hours/day and staying in 1 star Bates Motels for weeks. Heat, cold, fires, thunderstorms, hurricanes.

I am Blessed with truly wonderful friends.

Love to you all,

Bob

OK, Bob - Why Not?

In the two days subsequent, I unwound the numerous arrangements I had made. And started thinking - one of my (many) character defects. I knew I was in a Bad Place. My trip in the Penske van would have also carried a load of heirloom furniture and memorabilia back to her ancestral house. Since I had the whole trip planned out, I thought why not load all that stuff in my pickup truck and drive there myself I wrote the following two emails to some of my friends.

..... to call me Crazy. One of Dot's favorite songs - sung by Patsy Cline and written by Willie Nelson.

Sending this to just a few.

In trying to come to grips with this rotten turn of events - well, I haven't, really. Gut wrenching. I feel incomplete. I feel I need to be back there. I threw a party and no one came. So maybe I need to go on with the party just the same?

I've thought of flying back to the Magdalen Islands. I could do that. But one thing we were going to do on our trip with Dot was take a bunch of heirloom furniture and other items back there. Many came from her house and belong back in her house. Or in the Islands. Also many memorabilia items, photo albums, scrap book, sewn products her Mother had made, a set of 100-300 year old wood planes that belonged to her Great Grand-father and used by her Father to build the ancestral house. Also, two fabulous quilts hand sewn by Dot A 200-300 year old spinning wheel from her GGM or GGGM. An old rocker; her Mother's cedar chest; kerosene lamps. Jewelry. You get the idea.

When I die, all of this stuff will be sold for $2 at an Estate Sale - or go to the landfill. Like Dot, it belongs back there. Now, more than ever. I was going to ship it, but then when the casket move came up, I planned to just load it in the Penske truck along with the casket. Now that plan has gone.....

So, staring at the ceiling about 2 AM - something I do a lot - I thought, why not just load it in my pickup and drive it back there. I measured up the truck bed first thing in the morning and it all fits nicely. Driving my Honda Ridgeline will be far easier than the Penske truck. Almost new and less than 30,000 miles and much better gas mileage. Without the criticality of having human remains in a casket in the back. My drive could be much more leisurely. Could even stop a few places and smell the flowers. And, I still have my steamship tickets that I haven't cancelled out yet. More than that, I'm all packed and ready to go - but I'm not going anywhere. Having made all the arrangements in anticipation of a clean exhumation, I could leave in an hour. Or tomorrow morning.

Of course, I'd have to drive back home too - that's a change - about 10,000 miles round-trip. Should I, or shouldn't I. That's been gnawing at me for 2 days. So, I send this to some of my pals - a small subset of the bigger mailing list.

Go ahead and tell me I'm crazy (again.) I'm willing to listen. This would be an easier drive but still a lot of environmental and health challenges. I can leave as late as next Thursday - Sept 7. Go ahead and unload on me.

I have this big hole and I'm trying to fill it. This might be the way?

Bob

Well, this may surprise you. Arlene and I both think this is a pretty good idea!! Let us know how others vote.

Bon voyage!

Man, this is so You! 
Jocko thinks it’s the best of all solutions. I only wish I could help you drive. Unfortunately, our September is full  But I think you should do the trip for all the right reasons. Hopefully you can still get assistance in driving with one of your better friends. (Just kidding 😉)

I do like that you can still visit Dot, daily. I know that’s not what you wanted because all the reasons for taking her home were correct and meaningful…but you still live in Hanesville and she wouldn’t be here. Very hard to imagine your grief but visiting Carol’s gravesite is what I want to do if she precedes me. Keep me posted.

Bob, I think this is a brilliant idea.

Dot’s belongings are SO important.  Is there extended family there that could take them?  If not, could the Musee de la Mer (open until September 30) make them available in an exhibit?  Is there a church that could accept them for a heritage display?  It’s about honoring Dot and remembering her life.

My guess is that this will be a happy event; you’ll have accomplished something that Dot would have loved for you to do, but it will also ensure none of these are sold for $2 in an estate sale.

We have tremendous interest in preserving amazing things of the past, and what artifacts are more important than your loved one’s cherished items?

So I say, yes.  Get in the truck.  If you have a co-pilot, bring them along for help.

For the return, you could drive the 10,000 miles back.  Or you could fly back and have your truck shipped via auto carrier.

Just some ideas (I hope you don’t mind).

I think you’ve come up with the best idea possible.

Bogash B'Gosh, You are not crazy!!

What you propose is the best idea I have heard in a long time. I'm kicking myself that I didn't think of it myself, but then I wasn't aware of the things that really should go back to where Dot was from.

For me, the important thing is just as you suggest: if you passed, all those significant pieces of Dot and your life will be sold at auction for 2 cents on the dollar, or worse tossed in the bin (dumpster, burned, crushed, use your imagination). I am sure that the society that currently exists on the Magdalen Islands would welcome those unique pieces of history that you and Dot saved across the time when you were together. It ain't easy to save things, particularly if you have done some significant long distance moving. We still have a few of those, and it is not easy to part with them, as you well know. The only caveat I would have is to chose wisely who or where those pieces will go.

As long as your eyesight is good enough, you should make the drive in your Honda Ridgeline. Taking a shot gun driver might help. Perhaps the drivers who wanted to share the adventure might still be interested. The only big question remains is how you will get back home to Washington, and of course to Dot. You could drive back and it would be fun to visit every airplane museum between the Magdalen Islands and Washington state. But another way to do it is to sell the Ridgeline there or a bit south in the US, and fly home. You can get another, although there will be time and cost involved.

Bob, you have too much energy, creativity, and yearning for a new adventure NOT to make the trip as you proposed. Damn the small details, full speed ahead!

Hi Bob,
Sounds like you need to “get away” and rebalance. A road trip just might be the ticket. It would be a shame to have all the family heirlooms go to an estate sale when your time comes - especially if there are family members back east who would enjoy them. I remember driving a borrowed pickup truck (Bonnie’s dads) to my grandparents farm in Minnesota after they died and took a few of the old family heirlooms home with me: a rather large dinning room chest, a very old pump organ that I couldn’t play but really wanted, kerosene lamps, very old “matched” green salt & pepper & sugar shakers, embroidered pictures my grandmother had made, hand made quilts, an old rocker, etc. There may be some contemplative time for you during such a drive as well - and: you are going someplace familiar, not sitting at home.

Bob:

You are crazy if you don’t do it.

John

I know this is a bold question, but why not cremate Dot and take her her home?

Knowing me, That’s what I would do!

No you are not crazy!

No 1, I was honored to be included in this limited distribution. I was bitterly disappointed with your Monday update--- for you. No. 2, I'm truly surprised that the casket had deteriorated so much. Soooo- first question is, is it possible for one of the men who volunteered to go with you willing to go on this trip? If one will, there is no second question. No.3, Bob I know you well enough to know if you don't you'll never have a moments peace, and you'll never rationalize in your mind. I do not believe you should try it alone, but with a partner, I think it's doable. I really don't think those physical items you described really need to be relocated back there, but it would be nice to have it all be part of the homestead estate, and some of them sound really important to family history, and, to you, would add some justification for the trip. I know you--- I wish I could volunteer— so No.4, GO FOR IT (with a partner). Bill

Bob…one thing I would consider is how much of Dot’s family is still there and do you think they want all of those memories? You refer to them collectively as “stuff” but I get the impression that they are a kind of heritage. Different family members may have different ideas. I wouldn’t want you to be disappointed in their reactions, so it might be wise to talk to them about this before you

load up.

Keep us posted…we’re all trying to figure out what is best for you.

Michael

Hi Bob,

I actually told Bill that I thought that you should make the trip anyway so No I do not think that you are crazy. I think that it might provide you with some closure and then you can tell Dot all about it when you get back. It would also be good to connect with her family and commiserate together about your mutual loss. They must be hurting too.

My concerns would be if your eyesight will hold up or your hips and back with all of that driving. Why not take some time and visit some places on the way. Take pics so that you can share some of your beautiful photography with those of us staying close to home these days.

Bill says "Tell Bob that I think that he should make the trip too."

Judy

GO FOR IT!!!

I would personally wait a few weeks then take one of the more northern routes

After the first day the great plains are not so great

A thought

Rent a suitable vehicle, turn it in back there and come home via Boeing

But maybe the long road trip is what the doctor ordered, stop and visit old friends on the way

But yes you would get a sense of closure

And some of us can still jump on the jet and find you if you need help

Bob

I know you well enough to know that your decision making starts with an objective to be accomplished

In order to do this, I always admire the process of removing the obstacles one by one until you see the way clear for your original objective

In other words, when you have an objective, the easiest way to accomplish this is not to fight all the objections but to remove them

That way you can “proceed as the way opens” as my mother always said

Give it a try

Mr. Bob! Take the trip and give the family the valuables Dot cherished! They belong at her home and you need to be her representative and do a lot of crying with your family. And they just may need that as well. Take it slow, enjoy the beauty of the landscape and be the proud warrior Dot would want you to be!

Just make sure you have the goods for travel….take your time because that’s what you have is time. Only worry about your health a little and be prepared just in case.

After reading your note twice and a paragraph repeated, it clearly told me of your emotions. The heirlooms are not an excuse but a way to grieve with your family. You will be greeted with hugs and love and have special memories shared that will last as long as you last.

Take the journey, clear your head and think about what you are doing for Dot, seeing her family and taking back something so special to family.

Go for it my friend! I will be praying for you, treat yourself along the way, keep a smile on your face and enjoy the journey because there is nothing else to do!

Hugs and love,

Thank you, Bob, for keeping us up to date on your journey (i.e., your philosophical and psychological journey, not geographic journey)

Your dad's saying is right on the mark! Psychologically, you did exactly the right thing: You mentally prepared yourself for potential disappointment, thus when it occurred, it was more tolerable. I approach every event I'm looking forward to with the same attitude I used at the start of every flight: "I look forward to a good flight but I'm also prepared for an engine failure, a fire, a runaway prop, etc. before we even get off the ground."

Many times in my life I have pondered difficult decisions. “What to do, what to do”? “ Should I or shouldn’t I”? Jump or not to jump? Left, middle or right. It’s like walking/balancing on top of a tall narrow wooden fence. To get off the merry-go-round you can either jump left, or, you can jump right. Or, you can attempt to immobilize yourself on top, which is tantamount to doing nothing. You can make a mistake. jumping either way, left or right, but, at least you’ve jumped either to suffer some sadness or, something good. If you fantasize something, anything positive, adventuresome, pleasant, will favor one side over the other, then, GO FOR IT. SOON! The worst thing to do is continue your ass on top of this imaginary fence line. Again, with my imagination, I believe I would load that Ridgeline up with the lumber and the beautiful furniture, and the hand-sewn goods, and do a “head them on out “ mule train with Frankie Lane. Sometimes to one’s detriment, one gotta take the chance. It might not work out, but it’s the right and positive thing to do.

Anyone who likes Patsy Cline can’t be all Crazy, even if they Go Walking After Midnight.

Or have Sweet Dreams.

And I know She’s Got You.

Plus, your email makes it sound like You’ve Got Leaving On Your Mind.

I think it sounds great.

Just be smart about how you do it.

Define the mission simply.

Put schedule aside as much as is possible.

I wish I could go with you.

And thanks for including me.

Bob

Thanks for being so open. I can only imagine how difficult and crushing this has been. That was why I was so enthusiastic about being a really small part of it

My only input is that I think you should wait until spring. It is far to easy for the weather to turn ugly early in that part of the world. Replan the trip with stops along the way so it isnt a slog. Visit old Boeing and airline people across the county. Ship the “goods” and drive where you can park the car without worry. Stay a while when you get there.

As always, let me know if I can help.

I’m not going to rehash all the wanna, shoulda, could’ve beens, Bob. Instead, I just see a purpose for you. We all need one and yours is noble. Go!! This time, no pressure, no plans that are written in stone. You are flexible….you adapt….you can accomplish this new purpose. And, you are not tied down to work, are you? So, as Robin Williams once said, ‘Fly….be free’!!

One question though. How’s your driving vision? I don’t say that flippantly as I can no longer drive at night nor at dusk. I don’t even drive outside of areas that I am familiar with. I know we share some of the same eye issues, so I’m asking in all seriousness about your vision.

Bottom line……yup, go for it!

Xoxo

Carole

My initial reaction is you should go. 

Take your time and enjoy the journey, the renewed face-to-face meetings with the family members back there, and hopefully the slow trip back. You can rationalize Dot would be pleased you did this, and the furniture can go to folks who will truly appreciate the fact that it was Dot’s and she would feel good that her family could still use the items.

The most important reason I think these thoughts is it might allow you to do something that will give you some peace.  At this stage in your life, I hope you can achieve peace in your daily life by knowing you did everything you could for Dot, including this final action.

Bless your heart my friend,

Hi Bob.

I hope that you are as fine as circumstances allow you presently.

I've reread your letters several times and I've attempted to look at all avenues. Following are my thoughts.

The initial impetus of this endeavor was to bring Dot home. Everything else was secondary. Your planning was in depth and comprehensive. This mission, sadly, did not come to fruition.

Your new plan I pretty much do not agree with for various reasons. I worry about your health. The rigors of driving there are stressful enough let alone adding the trip back into the calculation. Bob, you already are aware of this. You have mentioned these health factors in your email, and we've discussed them for the both of us. I was willing to "roll the dice" as you say for Dot and you. I wholeheartedly share your desire and I know that you are compelled to return Dot's possessions to where they should finally rest. You can ship them. As you mentioned, they had been shipped to Dot. I do not see the benefits of the drive with only personal possessions. I will miss all of the great conversations that would have occurred and that I have always enjoyed so much. I'm not trying to minimize this joyful aspect, but we can continue them in Hansville.

You can fly there and back first class. Your comment about not flying "commercial" I understand with your aviation history, but it borders on bourgeois. Two flights to fulfill your emotional and hurting heart with Dot's family is really a small price to pay for the fulfillment or closing of the emptiness you feel with the embracing of you by her family. You will be emotionally exhausted but not physically. You know this too.

I am sorry if any of this has offended you, Bob. This was not my intention. You are a cherished friend who has enriched my life. Sometimes one needs to step back. It's not a defeat, just a reassessment.

Love ya Bob.

Do it, Bob. If you don't, no matter how it turns out, you will always second guess yourself. This, as you point out, is a whole different scene. Looser schedule, less red tape, etc. Take your time, do it as if Dot were along. Your last hoorah, so to speak. Good luck and God speed. Jim

i fully support this revised trip, provided you're physically up to it. Makes sense to keep the goods in the family. You're worked very hard to set up the trip and this is utilizing your effort and I think will give you much satisfaction. Jim

Yes I was thinking that the drive should happen anyway!

Go for it! Wish I could help with the driving-oh well!

CJ

Sounds to me like the "decision to go" (the right decision) ...was actually made long ago... it's now just a formality of the rationalization.

I see no alternative for you but to go... and to just take the most rational route and courses of action, for both your own personal safety, health, and peace of mind.

That's what Dot would want, and advise...

Because she still needs you to take the trip, comfort her family, clear your longings for seeing her ancestral home one last time.... and then safely return home to her again in Hansville, ....where you can talk with her weekly or even daily ...in her earthly resting place.

She needs you to go... and safely return, ...and then to hear your voice again nearby, and to tend the flowers that will perpetually grow on that spot,... for at least a few more of your years here on Earth, before joining her again in eternity.

Peace be with you...

I think you should do it Bob. As we motorcycle riders know, sometimes you need a long twisty road to straighten out your head. I know Louis would be glad to see you, as would many others, and Dot would be pleased. Safe travels if you do. Norm

So sorry about the aborted trip for Dot. We have been out in the woods for the last week no cell connection or internet.
Take the trip it will be a farewell for her and you will connect with her family. They will love to have you there.

Love you Bob Hang in there you will make it. We are here for you any time.

Anne and Percy with huge hugs.

Bob-

I vote for you driving the items to the Magdalen Islands.  Easy for me to say, I am not the one driving 10,000 miles.

First, it is a good thing for everyone to do their best to get heirlooms into the hands of people who care about them.  Its almost a life's duty to at least try to find a home for heirlooms.  You will be glad you did.

Second, it might do you good to talk with some of Dot's family in person.  Visit some places there you saw together.  I don't know much about these things, but people say it helps to talk with people who cared for the lost loved one.

Third, getting out of the house will break the routine.  Seeing new landscapes will break the routine.  You need a vacation.

Lastly, don't drive too much in a day, that is for young folks.  Boni and I just finished a 2,500 mile drive of the Lewis & Clark trail.  Some of the driving days were too long.  Make the trip an adventure, not a grind.  Pick a few "bucket list" destinations.

Take care of yourself.

Bob,

Here’s my two cents worth, definitely road trip, I wouldn’t hesitate.

I recently (end of June) drove to Stockton Springs, Maine to visit my son Aubrey and DIL Amy (you’ve met them multiple times) who have a place there on Penobscot Bay. Not as many miles or as much country to cross over as you’ll have, but still, from Spicewood, Texas to Stockton Springs, I logged (round trip) 4,794.8 miles, 24.4 mpg, and 78.24 hours in my 2023, 400 HP Ford Explorer ST - no electric BS here! I made a few scheduled stops on the way, my sister’s in southern Indiana and an old B-52 compadre in Toledo, but otherwise I cruised with the truckers Besides, I gotta be careful driving with TEXAS “AF B52” Vietnam Veteran license plates - bad press to act like an A-hole).

I normally start early morning each day of my drive (and I mean early - 0400 or thereabouts). The trucks are still idling at their rest stops, the interstate’s wide open, and the driving is relaxing. I can drive all day and only stop for gas. That way I’m driving until until it’s no longer fun.

Have fun on your drive. I’m like you, I hate flying and avoid it like the plague - agree on the stress. Driving, you’re free, plus you need to drive anyway to transport the “goods”! Think of it as just another B-52 “mission” and like any mission, once successfully completed, you’ll feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and pride. You’re doing the right thing, don’t doubt yourself. Just have fun, enjoy the scenery, and remember to be courteous to those truckers.

GBU,

Jim

Bob you are not crazy. Life gives us many opportunities to do things that may not seem rational to others but are part of our makeup as unique individual human beings and satisfy our needs. In your case it is the extraordinary love you have for Dot that drives you. The only way you should attempt this trip is if you have a reliable co pilot or two. Your health has to be the determining factor for your sake as well as others. I wish you the best!

Herb

Bob,

You're moving too fast for my ol' brain and body.  So, I missed commenting on the earlier message and I'm late to the party here as well.  

My humble opinion:  Of course, obviously, for sure, clearly, yes you should make the trip.  A lot of the planning is done, and I believe it would feel good overall.  Under different circumstance, as I've said, I'd enjoy riding shotgun.  But even the shotgun position is in good hands.  

Nancy and I are deeply sorry that the plans for Dot didn't work out as hoped.  Salvage what you can and enjoy the ride, your friends and Dot's family.  Report often -- maybe write a book?  At least take lots of pictures and good notes.  I can see a wonderful PPT presentation somewhere down the line.

John

Bob: First, let me say that we are pleased about being included among those with whom you are sharing your concerns and feelings.

That being said, Dora and I feel that while you’re making the trip will help with your feelings, the important thing is to make sure the belongings get there. Only you know about your health conditions for successfully making the trip.

We feel that means health permitting, go for it.

If health conditions raise question(s) for successfully delivering the goods, then it appears obvious they be shipped.

And, we feel regardless of your final decision Dot will be pleased.

Blessings, always,

Bob,

Register my vote in the "go for it" column. Take Dot's things and all your demons with you to Magdalen Island. Leave everything there - that's where everything belongs. Time to turn a page and this could be just the thing.

Steve

It’s obvious to me now that you need to do something. I would make it easy, if it were me, but I am not you. We think different. So, I would ship the goods to the islands and I would fly commercial back there for the needed visit. I know, flying is stressful but you could go 1st class and that would help.

Driving is not easy for me anymore and I just could not consider that option.

Thinking about you

T

Well Bob, I have been pondering this whole every sad situation in which you find yourself as a result of the exhumation.

You had indicated early on that the whole situation might go down. Personally I did not think that your plans would fail.

However here we are.

Well, I think that you should follow your dream and go home, Dot's Home as a child with all of the

antiques and pieces that have intertwined your lives.

Take everything that you know will be loved and deeply appreciated by her family.

It is my personal belief that you will be comforted by this journey. However do you plan to drive alone?

Questions abound, I am quite sure.

Keep in touch with me and let me know your plans.

I send to you love, my sincere hopes for a more successful endeavor, care and concern.

Catherine

Since you asked!…

I say it’s a great idea and may not be the big big plan for Dot, but if you’ll allow it, this smaller plan will connect you and satisfy you in ways not readily apparent. It’s a lot of driving but so what? You already signed off on that personal challenge.

Hope that helps or focuses you.

Best

Tom #3

Seems to me, the operative part of your note is this:

"I need to get back there, and a long drive might be the vehicle to clear my head (a bit).”

I love the old spinning wheel…a pristine artifact of days and times gone by. And this: heirlooms remain as reminders for future generations, long after we’re gone. Seems a worthy quest to me, getting the heirlooms back to their origins.

A cross continent drive is still formidable, regardless of one’s age & physical health. But I also think it may do you a world of good, to clear your head and hopefully find some peace.

Go for it.

Dave

It sounds as if you really need to make this trip but it might be easier to do it a little later when the fires and smoke have dissipated, October can be a beautiful month too. Anyway whatever you decide, we your friends are behind you all the way. Good luck
Lorna

Thank you for the updates- I'm so sorry that didn't work out. But, I think the road trip would make Dot (and you) happy- hpoe you do it!

Phil

Thanks, Bob. I was bummed to see this as were several of my staff members who took an interest in this. I appreciate that you could find some silver linings out of the disappointing end to this venture. We’ll be in touch

-Josh